


On Shaky Ground

by mggislife2789



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, M/M, PTSD, PTSS, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-03
Updated: 2018-01-03
Packaged: 2019-02-27 14:21:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13250046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mggislife2789/pseuds/mggislife2789
Summary: Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters or their original stories. This is only for fun. It's where my brain goes after the credits roll. No copyright intended. Better safe than sorry. ;)





	On Shaky Ground

Luke turned to the side and saw it immediately.

The beginnings of a panic attack.

Spencer’s brow began to bead with sweat and his eyes darted all over the place, while still somehow fixed on the screen. The second Emily told Luke that there was news from Shaw’s prison in Missouri, his heart raced. He knew it. Shaw was dead. Luke had him transferred as punishment and now he was dead.

Now, he wasn’t sad about that. Not really. Shaw made his bed. But he knew he wasn’t going to be able to keep the news from reading on his face. And he’d been right. Spencer, his boyfriend of just four months, could immediately see something was running through his mind.

When he muttered that Shaw was dead, Spencer demanded proof. Frantically, he ran around to Garcia, Emily, JJ, anyone that would listen, and demanding that he see proof that Shaw was gone.

That led them here.

Shaw had been brutally beaten in his cell, but the camera near his cell had magically not been working at the time, leaving his murderer unknown, though Luke had a few guesses. Additionally, a guard and another inmate in a completely different cell block had also died in the same way. Given Luke’s transferring of Shaw, and the uniqueness of the case, they were being called in, but Spencer was frozen in place in front of the screen, staring at Shaw’s bruised and bloodied body.

The second Luke noticed the signs, he glanced back at the rest of the team, silently asking for a moment alone. “You don’t need to come with us,” Luke started. “Everyone would understand if you decided to sit this one out.”

Spencer shook his head, lip quivering as he spoke. “I have to. I don’t know why, but I have to,” Spencer replied as he clutched his chest.

Watching Spencer in such pain made his own heart ache. He wanted to protest, tell him to take the case off, but he understood where he was coming from.

Spencer’s breaths began to quicken as he locked onto the screen. This man had almost killed him. Why did he feel bad for him? Why didn’t he feel worse? “Oh god,” he breathed, the words catching in his throat.

Extending his hand, Luke brought Spencer over to the table. “Sit.” He hastily grabbed the remote control and turned the screen off. He was pretty sure the image of Shaw was permanently burned into his mind already. “You don’t need to see that anymore.”

Spencer was far off - his eyes unfocused and full of dread. Gently, Luke placed his hand over Spencer’s and spoke softly. “It’s going to be okay.”

Each breath burned another corner of Spencer’s lungs. His hands were shaky, breaths increasingly more ragged and eyes brimming with tears. “Oh god. Fuck.” He buried his face in his hands and then tucked his head between his knees. “Oh hell.”

The only thing that kept him from vomiting was the steadying sound of Luke’s voice. “It’s going to be okay,” he heard. “Hey, babe, look at me.”

Spencer looked up and watched as a tear fell onto the floor. He wiped the excess away with the back of his hand and tried to steady his shaky hands, but it wasn’t working.

“Close your eyes and just listen to the sound of my voice,” Luke said softly. “You are okay. This is all going to pass. You know what’s happening right?”

“I’m having a panic attack,” Spencer replied, his voice quivering. “The sweating, the shaking, the racing heart and ragged breaths. All signs of a panic attack. Induced by seeing Shaw dead, I assume. PTSD.”

“PTSS remember. It’s a syndrome.” His hands were still so shaky. Once again, he grabbed Spencer’s hands in his own and kept rubbing them, feeling the roughened skin of his gun hand against his own. “This is not a permanent thing. And you have more control over it than you might think.”

Spencer knew what Luke was trying to do. He was doing everything right, but he still felt like he wanted to vomit. His mind kept flashing back to the subtle threats Shaw made against him and the harrowing last few hours he spent within the four concrete walls. 

Through it all, Luke kept talking though, repeating “it’s okay” like a mantra that he was supposed to live by. Maybe one day he’d be able to live that way. “This is ridiculous. I’m not there anymore. I’m not in prison. Shaw isn’t here. I’m not in danger anymore. Why do I still feel this way?”

“Because it happened,” Luke said. “What you went through was real and it was scary and it was hell, but you made it through, and you’re here now.” Leaning over, he pressed a small kiss to his forehead, quickly pulling away as he knew Spencer wasn’t much for public displays of affection. “No one expects you to just get over what happened. It doesn’t work like that.”

Spencer knew he was right, but it was still frustrating. He was out of prison and he wanted this all to be over. He didn’t want to think about this ever again. “I know it doesn’t, but I want it to go away.”

“It will,” Luke replied. “In time. But you need to embrace the feelings you’re having and allow yourself the time you need.” As he spoke, Luke continued to massage his hands, knowing how steadying a simple touch could be. “I’ve been where you are, Spencer. It takes a long time. But you’re not alone in all this. Okay? Now follow after me.” 

He drew a deep breath in and let it out slowly, encouraging Spencer to do the same. Spencer squeezed Luke’s hands in rhythm with his slowly drawn breaths and after a few minutes, his shaky muscles started to calm. “See, it’s all okay. You just need to be patient with yourself.”

“I’m just so afraid I’m never going to be how I used to.”

Luke squeezed his hands a little harder. “You’re going to get through this in time. And you’ll change, but you’ll be stronger for it. You’re not alone.”

Just as he spoke, the rest of the team made their way back into the room. Emily gave him a small smile, sidling up next to him and gathering his head to her body. JJ kissed the top of his head, and Garcia made him stand up so she could give him a bear hug. “We’re family. And we’re with you.”


End file.
